


A Lifetime of What-Ifs

by glassclosetcastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel In Love, Dean In Love, Dean in Denial, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Fluff, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Human Castiel, M/M, Sam Ships It, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 00:12:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2487386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glassclosetcastiel/pseuds/glassclosetcastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Castiel wonders what would have happened had his vessel been female, and Sam really thinks he should discuss that with Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lifetime of What-Ifs

**Author's Note:**

> So, I only now realize how incredibly similar this is to my other fic, "Just Your Heart in Exchange for Mine." I guess I'm just a sucker for this type of storyline. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

It is on a quiet Sunday afternoon, while he and Sam are sitting together in the war room, that Castiel musters enough resolve to speak his mind. He marks his page in the dusty, leather-bound tome, looks up at Sam, and says, "I've been thinking about my vessel."

Sam looks up from his own book, eyebrows raised in polite interest. "Jimmy?" he asks, and, suddenly feeling a sickening realization, asks, "wait, is Jimmy still _in_ there?" He realizes then, almost guiltily, that he hasn't thought about Castiel's vessel, Jimmy Novak, in years. Not since the incident with famine, maybe. He suddenly feels horrified that Jimmy has been trapped in his own body, immobilized, for over five years. The things he must have witnessed- the things he would have seen his own hands do- but this line of thinking is quickly quashed by Castiel, who simply shakes his head with a fond smile. "No, Jimmy is, thankfully, at peace in heaven. This vessel, it would seem, is entirely my own, now. My own body." He looks down at his chest, at his arms. Unfurls and flexes his fingers. Sam smiles appreciatively. Castiel has only been human for a short while, and it has been rather like watching a child growing up in fast-motion. Sam would venture to guess that his former angel friend is now somewhere in his metaphorical adolescence. 

"Jimmy has served me well," Castiel continues, referring to the body as if it were a nice pair of shoes, and Sam realizes how terrible it should sound, but it doesn't. "He was a very strong man. This body held up relatively well, considering. Others were not so fortunate." Castiel is contemplative for a moment, remembering the cries from his brothers and sisters as their vessels quite literally burst apart. "I appreciate this vessel- this body, and all it has done for me, and yet..." he trails off, fingering the yellowed pages of the book in his lap, "I cannot help but wonder how different things would be had I chosen a female vessel, instead."

"What do you mean?" Sam asks, blowing steam off of his coffee.

"Angels are technically genderless," Castiel explains, not for the first time, but Sam nods for him to continue. "We are- I was- a wavelength. Incorporeal, so to speak. Pure energy. There is no equivalent to gender for angels. We simply _are._ " Sam notices the confusion with which Castiel tries to identify himself now, and gives him a pitying look. "My choice of gender was a 50/50 chance. I chose Jimmy because he was good and faithful, never fully comprehending the effect that the _gender_ of the vessel would have on... everything, really. It is interesting. Now that this body is my own, it does feel _right,_ somehow." He looks down again, surveying his chest and arms. "I do believe I would feel uncomfortable as a female. It's hard to explain." He rubs the back of his neck, and looks up at Sam, hoping to see understanding. Sam nods. "Yeah, no, I get it. I imagine it would be a bit like what transgender people feel- having to live their lives in the body of a gender with which they don't identify. It would definitely be uncomfortable."

Castiel nods. "Yes, that is a good analogy. But, despite knowing intrinsically that I am male, and being comfortable with being male, I can't help but wonder if things might have been different between me and your brother if I were female."

Sam isn't surprised by this line of thinking- it's been a long time coming- but he never expected Castiel to voice his feelings, especially to him. He tries desperately not to spit out the mouthful of coffee he's just imbibed, instead breathing a bit of it in and spluttering. Castiel watches him knowingly, and waits for him to finish choking so that he can reply. "Cas," Sam manages, face caught somewhere between a relieved smile and a discouraged frown, "Dean might play the macho ladies' man role pretty well, but that's all it is. It's an act. I think..." he trails off and hesitates, not wanting to be the one to say this. Wanting Dean to be the one to say it. He casts a quick glance over his shoulder and lowers his voice. "I think you should really talk to him about this."

"I believe that would make him uncomfortable, don't you? That is why I chose to speak to _you_ about this. You do seem much more open-minded than Dean." Sam thinks that maybe he didn't give the former angel enough credit. He might be well into the metaphorical early-adulthood stage of humanity, and Sam is abashed, knowing that he hasn't given his friend enough credit. The new human understands so much more than he did even a year ago. Still, Sam decides, this has gone on long enough. The angst, the tension, the longing stares- maybe Dean won't ever admit it to himself, and maybe Cas will always be too afraid to voice his own feelings. Every day that passes without acknowledgement of _whatever_ it is between them, Sam knows, will be a day that they will later regret. "Trust me, Cas," he reaches out and grips Castiel's arm, enforcing his resolve with touch. "Go talk to him. If you want things to change between you and Dean, you have to at least try to change them. You'll regret it if you don't. It won't make Dean uncomfortable. Trust me." Sam knows this is a lie, but that it doesn't need to be.

Castiel pulls a tight-lipped smile, and nods more to himself than to his friend. "Thank you, Sam."

\--

On pretense of using the restroom, Sam takes the chance to seek his brother out before Castiel can get to him. He finds Dean lounging on the bed, watching a movie. "Hey," Sam steps partially into Dean's room, hand resting on the door frame. "Listen, Cas is gonna talk to you about something, and it might make you uncomfortable, but don't be a dick, alright?" Dean furrows his brow, as if to say, _what the hell are you talking about?_ but Sam just gives him a final warning glare and leaves.

A few minutes later, Castiel rounds on Dean's bedroom and knocks on the already open door. "Dean?"

Dean mutes the tv and sits up a bit. "Yeah, man, what's up?"

"I wanted to... talk to you about something. May I come in?"

"Yeah, of course," Dean says, swinging his legs off of the side of the bed and gesturing to the empty chair in the corner. Castiel sits and steels himself with a breath. If not for Sam's encouragement, he might not ever have spoken to Dean about this. He dreads the oncoming awkwardness, something that he has only now, as a human, come to understand and fear.

"Do you find me- this vessel- this.. body..." Castiel gestures down his torso with a long, sweeping motion, "repulsive?" 

Dean furrows his brow once more. "What?" he spits. "No, of course not. Why would you even ask that, Cas?"

"Do you find me attractive?" The former angel hedges, and Dean opens his mouth and closes it back a few times. "Um, yeah, I mean, you- Jimmy- whoever... you're a good lookin' dude."

Castiel nods to himself, noting the detached, objective tone of Dean's assessment. "What if I had chosen a female vessel?" Castiel asks. "Would you have been more attracted to me then?"

Dean is completely at a loss for words for a moment, and wonders _where in god's name,_ (no pun intended,) this came from. He finally decides to answer honestly. Cas deserves that, at least. "I don't think it would have changed anything."

Castiel looks dejected as he leaves the room.

\--

A few minutes later, after Dean has pumped the volume back up on the tv and replayed the conversation in his head a few dozen times, Sam's hulking frame darkens his doorway again. "What the hell, dude?" He almost shouts, but he's trying to whisper. "I told you not to be a dick!"

Dean pauses the movie and sits up again. "What did I do?" He whisper-shouts back.

Sam comes to stand next to Dean so he can speak more easily without being heard outside the room. "Exactly! What did you do? Cas looks miserable! What did you say to him?"

Dean throws his arms out defensively. "I don't know! The dude wasn't making any sense! He asked me if I found him attractive, I said yeah, Jimmy was a good lookin' dude, whatever, then he asked if I'd have been more attracted to him if he'd taken a female vessel."

"And?" Sam taps his foot, looking every bit the frustrated little brother. "What did you say?"

"I told him I didn't think it would have made a difference."

Sam closes his eyes and rolls his head back, nodding sardonically. "Okay, you and I both know what you really meant by that. Cas, however, probably took it in the _exact_ opposite way."

"I don't know what you're talking about, dude," Dean says, raising the remote to un-pause the movie, but Sam bats it out of his hand.

"You know exactly-" Sam begins, loudly, but catches himself. He crouches down so that their faces are level. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. And don't give me that look. You may think you're pretty good at this above-it-all, I-don't-need-feelings thing, but I am your brother and I know you better than I know myself. And if I know anything at all, it's that I haven't seen anyone make you as happy as Cas has made you since... since ever. You are more yourself around him than you are with anyone else. I've never seen you let your guard down so much. You _want_ to be **you** when you're with him. You _want_ to be happy with him. You just won't let yourself." Sam is seething, and Dean seems on the verge of either socking him in the nose or running. Sam doesn't care. "We both know that you meant it didn't matter what vessel Cas chose because you would have ended up loving him no matter what." Dean closes his eyes and lets his head loll back on the pillows. "You love him, Dean. I don't know what the hell has taken you so long to figure it out. Or maybe you have figured it out, and you're just too damned stubborn to let yourself feel it. Well, guess what? That guy out there-" he throws his arm out, gesturing past the door, "is human now, which means that he's not gonna last forever." Sam knows it's a low blow, but he can't help but pull out all the stops. If they're having this conversation, they'll have the full conversation. Unabridged. _Finally._ "One day, he'll be gone, and I don't think you honestly want to be left with a lifetime of what-ifs."

"Okay!" Dean growls, snapping his head up. "I get it. Fuck." He throws the pillow off the side of the bed and stands. Paces. Sam stands, too, and watches his brother. "What are you so afraid of?" He asks, quieter. Gentler.

Dean is silent for a moment before he answers. "I didn't want to lose him again, dude." He faces his brother again. "Do you have any idea how terrifying this is?" Dean rakes a hand through his hair, huffs out a breath. "Apart from you, Cas is the only one I've got left. What if he didn't want me, huh? What if he'd gotten freaked out and flew away again? Er, whatever, ran away, drove away. I can't take him leaving me anymore, Sammy. It's too hard. So yes, I've known for a long time. Years, even." At this, Sam looks pained, and Dean can't face him. He paces again. "I'd rather keep him close, just be content to be friends, you know? There's no use taking that risk."

"But there is, Dean," Sam pleads. "Trust me. Please, will you trust me this once?" Dean shakes his head, but Sam thinks he sees something shift in his eyes.

\--

Maybe an hour later, Dean finds Castiel in the library. He's hunched over a book. There are at least ten other books around him in stacks, and Dean wonders if he's read all of them in the last hour. It wouldn't surprise him. Castiel hears Dean approaching from behind him, but doesn't look up until he hears the rough voice. "You wanna know the truth, Cas?" His voice is strained. Pained, even. It makes Castiel turn and look up. Dean's eyes are open, earnest. He allows himself to engage, to listen, even though his chest aches. "I don't find you repulsive." Dean takes a step toward him and hesitates. "If you wanna know the truth, I think you're goddamned gorgeous." Castiel feels his heart skip a beat, and Dean comes to stand right in front of him. He closes the book, sets it aside. Dean crouches down, taking the idea from Sam, from before. "I think you're beautiful. Jimmy was handsome, whatever, but I could always tell the difference." He takes Castiel's hands in between his own, and takes it as a good sign that his friend doesn't jerk away. He still can't look him in the eyes. "You, Castiel, made this vessel beautiful. And it wouldn't have mattered if you were a woman instead. I would have always felt the same about you."

Castiel is almost breathless when he asks, "how is that, Dean?" 

The hunter finally looks up, searching the eyes that he's searched so many times before. "I'm in love with you, Cas. I hope that's okay." He looks away again, before he can register anything on the former angel's face. "I don't know what that means. I don't know if it matters that you're a man and I'm a man. It mattered to me before, but it doesn't anymore." Dean hangs his head, and he massages Castiel's hands under his own, tracing circles over his thumbs.

"Dean Winchester," Castiel says, breaking their contact to raise Dean's face, "I love you more than anything in existence." Dean closes his eyes, willing himself not to cry. The words are beautiful, and it's almost too much. "I have longed for you for far too long. I hope that you won't make me wait any longer." He pulls Dean's hand up to his face, kisses his fingertips.

"I won't," Dean whispers. He takes Castiel's face in his hands, then, and looks into his very being like he's done so many times before, except this time, it's different. He takes all the time he wants. He traces the sides of Castiel's face with the pads of his thumbs, traces the curve of his lips, traces the wisps of hair on his brow. "You are so beautiful," he tells Castiel again. When they kiss, Dean feels an ease in his chest- some long-forgotten pain melted away- and he lets a tear fall as he smiles into his angel's mouth.

"I love you, Dean," the angel replies.


End file.
